Weighty Sacrifice

We sat behind a friend's family today at church. The father is soon deploying for 14 months to Afghanistan. The family endured a shorter deployment last year and it was rough. They have three daughters and the youngest is 6, the oldest is in my primary class. I looked over at one point today and the youngest was snuggled up in her father's arms looking absolutely like a supremely contented tiny baby. It broke my heart. Dad too had his eyes closed soaking up the moment and then I saw my friend look over and capture the scene. We caught each other's moist eyes in acknowledgement.

I am so grateful for our troops and their families that sacrifice so much for us. I so admire these families, it's beyond words.

Peer Pressure

Put me in Coach! I'm ready!

McKay loves the ski goggles and can't wait for his turn on the slopes!

Not me. I had a stomach FULL of butterflies. All last week. Last year when we arrived in Germany, I had just had Morgan so I was free from making excuses of why to not join Ryan skiing. Ryan loves to ski! He grew up skiing quite a bit and worked a couple seasons on the slopes in Utah. No excuses this year. Easton even said he'd teach me how! Morgan's a year old and we had my fun, cute niece Camilla on hand to watch the two little ones in our hotel. No excuses.

I can't even recall the last time I skied, but it was in my mid-teen years I think. I have siblings who weren't even born yet, that's how long ago it was! Since I've only skied a handful of times in my life, I never quite got my legs under me but enjoyed it minus the sore aches and pains afterward. Growing up, just about every adventure with Dad required a bit of bravery. His zest for life made you not want to miss out and skiing was one of those things that I braved because of him! I love seeing my Dad proud of me for trying! Or at least being a part of his stories we tell over and over!

Since Easton was joining Ryan and I on the slopes, at least I had an excuse to stick to the bunny hills and that gave me a minor sense of peace. That is, until we got off the ski lift and I saw the degree of the slope to get to the bunny hill! HOLY COW!!! And I didn't see anyone walkin' on down it carrying all their equipment. For heaven's sakes, three year olds where gliding on down that hill with no poles, and that's no joke!

Ryan was excited to get Easton back on skis and he was the most patient and sweet man anywhere to be found. Easton had taken ski school last winter, but as we've now determined, he really only got used to being on skis and how to step into position to sail straight down the hill. No ability to turn or stop yet and he didn't really care to learn - just point him down hill and let 'er rip!

Back to being at the top of the hill leading from the main lift down to the various other areas like more lifts, the restaurants, and the beginner slopes. Getting down would be our initial ski experience. I was very terrified, uh . . . I mean concerned. After watching tons of people (decades younger than me) click into their skis and zoom off, it was our turn. Ryan had positioned Easton on skis between his own two skis to help guide Easton down. I was on my own. Thanks a lot, partner!

Easton was not too thrilled about going up the mountain in a huge lift. All the josteling at the lift (European style = no lines, no order), had him and I a bit shaken up. He thought we'd have to ski all the way down. At the top, he was near meltdown even though we kept reassuring him. I had to be brave, shakin' in my own boots, for him. Also, I didn't want Ryan to see me wimp out. Argh! Peer pressure!

Think of this area like an elongated >. We start skiing down and Easton freaks out which lands Ryan and Easton off the left bank which drops off five feet into a fence before we get to the turn. I was panicking on my own and just let myself come to a stop by drifting up the right bank before the turn. Whew! Cool, I'm alive and just about ready to call it a day! I'm exhausted! Oh darn, Easton's not happy? Do we need to go sit and drink some hot chocolate? Oh wait, we just paid and arm and a leg for our gear and lift tickets. We. Must. Have. Fun. Buck up, lil campers, we're in for a bumpy ride!

Ryan is mortified. He's a skier. Falling off the edge of the trail to the slopes doesn't happen to skiers apparently.

We finally get to the bunny hill and they've got this great little motorized ramp! We're gettin' lots of milage on this baby today! And it's so much easier than those rope tows once you get your balance.

The first handful of times down, Ryan takes Easton. They're having a good time! But I know Easton can do it on his own. He's brave enough, I know it!

Since I'm such a great observer, and less a doer, I note to Ryan that I think Easton would do better not holding on to Ryan because it'll make him be brave and not lean on dad.

Scarecrow coming through! Timid at first, smiling by the end each time!

View of our bunny hill and the tubed motorized ramp. Those hoops have bells on them for the kiddies to ring as they adeptly glide on through.

I take a long pause each time at the top (after almost falling over getting off the ramp and chuckling to myself at what the operator must think). I gotta psyche myself up for each run. I can do this. I'm a big girl. Oh wait, that's why I'm worried. More parts to ache and bruise! Wait! Be brave. Ryan and Easton and other three year olds and little Asian ski school 6 year olds bobbing through the hoops, ringing bells are watching! I go down. I'm gingerly turning right and left then gradually coming to a stop at the bottom with my trusty "pizza slice" snow plow move. Phew!

After conquering the bunny hill I'm ready for a new challenge. Getting over to the next hill is the challenge. This was taken at the bottom of the bunny hill and we had to get ourselves over to the other tow you may be able to distinguish in this picture.

Catching the rope tow just about yanks my arm out of its socket! Then baby steps up to the next rope tow around the corner to the left and a more formidable beginner slope. I rode all the way to the top of it wondering what in world possessed me to think this was a good idea?! What am I trying to prove?! I get off at the top and Ryan's all excited for me. I'm now muttering to myself, trying not to hyperventilate. I can't even distinguish Easton at the bottom waiting, he's that far down and I have SKI there?!

Ryan asks if I want to follow him. No way, man! Then I'll probably freak out thinking I'll crash into you! Better just bite the bullet and do it myself so I start off and am doing okay until the second turn. YIKES! I panic in a half attempt to turn and don't commit enough. I fall. I slide myself down to a friendlier angle to get back up. Ryan can tell I'm a bit stuck so he comes on up to the rescue. He tells me he'd been so impressed I went all the way to the top and not gotten off at the half-way "exit". Are you crazy?! I didn't realize there were options! There was a half-way point up the rope pull with a gentler slope down. Oh well! Skiing down the gentler half went off with much more grace.

After a few runs down this bigger hill (the friendlier bottom half, mind you) Easton didn't want to try this one so we ended up heading back down to the initial run for the rest of the half day after some refreshment: apfel strudel with vanilla cream sauce and a big 14 inch long, fat bratwurst covered in BBQ sauce dusted with curry powder plus fries. So local!

In the end, I was proud of myself for trying and am even open to doing it again. I could have done more, but was also so close to chickening out so many times. I was so exhausted from all the internal pep talks! I'm in this personal spot right now where I'm realizing how much I let fear enter into the details of my life and keep me from moving forward. This challenge solidified some things for me.

I am beyond proud of my husband and his mad skills skiing backwards while helping Easton! I always love seeing Ryan doing something he loves which is the biggest reason I agreed to do this in the first place. And again, the highest applause to his patience with his two beginners! I can only imagine how boring that bunny hill must have been to him! He totally rocks my world! And so do fearless three year old skiers all decked out in their cute gear!

A ring's a ring, right?

We had the missionaries for dinner last night. While I was finishing the stroganoff sauce, Ryan came in and said he'd lost his wedding band. He'd been moving one of the kids' car seats for one of the Elders when his ring flew off his finger and he thinks landed somewhere in the snow at the train station. I felt bad, but at the same time chalked it up to yet another "bad luck with rings" family tale. Sad to say, we've -- or more accurately, I've -- got history here folks.

Four months after we were married, Ryan and I flew separately (to save money on flights) back to my family for Christmas. I've never been a ring gal and was still getting used to wearing one. While flying, I took off my wedding band and laid it in my lap to put lotion on my hands. Then the person next to me needed to get up and use the lavatory. I quickly got up without remembering my ring was in my lap. I sat down and finished my lotion lathering and panicked. My ring!!! The flight attendants made a couple announcements and some people looked around a bit but no luck.

When the flight landed, the attendants and cleaning crew helped me look for it. Best guess is that the ring must have landed in someone's bag because we were seriously pulling up seat cushions and digging around on the floor. Grossness!!! When Ryan and I were reunited in the airport, I broke down into tears such that he thought someone must have died! I choked out the tale and he calmed me down and said it was just a ring, we could get another. A couple months later when we found I was pregnant, we got a simple gold band. I was a proud and happy married pregnant working gal and wanted the DC metro train riders to be assured of it. A mouthful!

Fast forward four years later to the summer before Morgan was born and we vacationed with family on a beach in Maine. It was one of my favorite vacations of all time! I woke up early one morning to walk alone on the beach and watch the sun rise. After my walk, I sat in the sand to take it all in. When done, I got up and as I brushed off the sand, my ring flew off my finger into the now sun-lit shimmering gold sand. Great. Perfect. I spent about a half hour combing the area. Another simple gold band replaced it a couple weeks later.

So when Ryan announced he'd lost his ring, it almost felt like it evened the score with my previous losses. I really loved his ring and would miss it. After dinner, Ryan asked the missionaries if they'd be willing to help him go back and look for the ring. I have to admit I thought it was fruitless to even try searching for it. We got about a foot of snow last weekend and after the snow plows and all the cars going in and out of the lot on top of it being dark outside -- what were the chances?!

As we ended the evening, Easton asked Elder Ault to offer our closing prayer. This Elder offered a beautiful, humble prayer asking for help in the search for the ring which symbolized the important and eternal temple covenants we had made when married. It was eloquent, simple and reminded me how important that ring is. Then off they went into the cold dark night to search while I cleaned up and let the kids run off their excited energy and take baths.

But wouldn't ya know it - Ryan returned triumphant!!! He said they had searched in vain for about 15 minutes and Ryan was ready to call it quits. One of the Elders said a silent prayer, then turned and headed to a spot in the snow. There it was.

Ryan told me the story and I insisted he take the boys aside and share it with them too. As he did, we all talked a second [McKay's only three so that's all the time I gots] about how important it is to married in the temple so our family can be together forever and the power of prayer, that Heavenly Father listens and answers us. The moment was not lost on me and Ryan even if the boys were more concerned about what story we'd read before bed.

I'm so grateful for that Elder's prayer in our home that reminded me why the ring is important. I'm so grateful for the Holy Ghost touching my heart telling me it is true. Even if the ring had not been found, I needed that reminder. I feel like I've been getting lots of reminders lately. In the past week as Ryan and I kiss in greeting or farewell, McKay's always watching and always says, "Mom? Are you married?" Yup, Yup, I am I am! HURRAY FOR ME!!!

I'm so happy Ryan chose me and keeps choosing me. At FHE on Monday, I unveiled our new family schedule and responsibilities chart to involve everyone more, lift some of my burdens, and teach the boys some new skills. While smoochin' last night I noticed Ryan hadn't shaved and commented. He said he hadn't had time to shave because he's in charge of making the kids' sandwiches for their lunch and he couldn't let me down on the first day! And that's one big reason I chose and will keep choosing HIM! The ring is just icing on the cake but as we all know, icing is divine! So is leftover chocolate trifle for breakfast!

Rough spots

When I dropped McKay off this morning at kindergarten, his teacher let me know that one of his classmate's father passed away this weekend. The father had struggled with colon cancer. The class would be talking about death today. As I was leaving, the little boy was arriving with his grandmother. My heart has been breaking for that family. A now single woman, a mother who has been working a couple jobs to keep their chin above water. Two young sons without their father. Parents surviving their son who was in the prime of his life.

I know there is purpose and growth to be had in all things. I know this to be true. But the gravity of life's challenges strip you bare sometimes. I've recently been finishing a book from a friend that I hear has been made into a movie, "My Sister's Keeper." I don't know that I recommend the book because it can pretty well be summed up in any synopsis you find online. In this novel, a family has struggled with a daughter/sister's leukemia for 14 years. A younger sister has been her donor on many occasions and the family is falling apart in their grief. Grief and mourning. Where do you turn when there are no good answers?

I needed a spiritual pick-me-up as I began my chores. I randomly put on the live feed on The Mormon Channel. I know, I'm a total nerd but I heartily embrace it now! Of all topics and programs to be on was a "Faith and Families Report" on Religion and Death. On the program, a Buddhist grief counselor noted the importance of spirituality to help one through grieving. Rather than asking if someone is part of a faith to lean on for support, it was best to ask if they were a spiritual person because one's level of participation in their faith may vary for a multitude of reasons. She encouraged individuals to cling to what they believed to be true in relation to God and talk it out with their God, the good and the bad they feel. Another religious leader noted the sorrow and loneliness of the Psalms that end in thanksgiving to a loving, merciful God. There was much more packed into the last ten minutes I caught, but in the end I just want to know how to help this family. I ache to relieve their burden yet I don't know them. And there's that darn language barrier!

In the end, I know there is a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan for each one of us to return to Him. I know I will see my departed loved ones, like my Papa, again in heaven and there have been many times I have felt him near, cheering me on. I know that this life isn't supposed to be easy. We're here to stretch, to grow and learn. When the going gets tough, I truly appreciate perspective I gain through the teachings of the Restored Gospel and the example of others surviving with hope, like NieNie. (Both links have good quick reads and videos!)

A serious case of the grumps overcome!

I've finished the cleanse a week and a half ago which I underwent to see if I could stay off steroids and heal myself through nutrition. There's so much I've learned about myself and nutrition - it's quite remarkable! Still compiling an entire post about it - it may never get published at this rate.

I can report that the cleanse was totally worth it and I'm still continuing some aspects of it as I reintroduce foods - gluten, then meat, then dairy and now the whole grain quinoa [pronounced Keen-wah]. Reintroducing gluten proved to have an immediate effect. In a completely weak moment at the end of the diet, I succumbed and ate a plain eggo and a doughnut in one morning while out and about. Within a half hour, I had a horrible headache and stomach ache for the rest of the day. I mourned that revelation for a few days because I REALLY love bread, crackers, IHOP pancakes, chocolate chip cookies, hamburger and hotdog buns w/ meat just off the grill . . .

So a week and a half ago was also Conference weekend. Loving all the spiritual promptings I had to improve myself, I also quickly fell into one of those “self-evaluation” crises that come once in a while, following quickly on the heels of feeling so in charge of my life. In the midst of this crisis, I was also trying to pull myself together for the post-cleanse appt with my doctor so I could discuss all my insights and remember all my burning questions.

Then Ryan had sat us down for FHE to talk about our family emergency plans. Ever wary of my state of mind, Ryan could see I was upset after he asked me to fill out some little basic form. I fell apart. I just couldn't imagine adding one more thing to my plate at that moment. I'm sure he was completely caught off guard once again, since I'm the type that tends to stew and bottle things up.

Ryan lovingly, patiently sat and listened to me grump and cry until I'd come to the part where I didn't know what to do or where to begin. He asked what we could do right then about my overwhelmed to-do list. I mentioned that I'd been thinking about putting the boys together in the same bedroom. We'd already put the boys to bed, but we got them up and moved the rooms around! Poor Ryan tweaked his hip moving furniture and it's been bothering him since - not good for a marathon runner in training! I don’t know why that project helped, but apparently my perfectionist-immobilized self needed some a serious physical task to feel better.

I'm glad to report that this very project helped me get out of my rut and I attribute it all to Ryan's Do It attitude. So the project and getting back to eating right! I told a friend I'd do a yard sale with her so that I'd be sure to clean out the clutter. I am a gal in need of deadlines! A friend commented on her blog that preparing for house guests makes her finish home projects or take on new ones. That is SOOOOO me it's not even funny! The ultimate FEAR Factor in my book! I was also partially inspired by snippets of a book I read after putting a friend's kids to bed. Many know this lady as the FLYLady. If you don't know about her, google her.