Life with our newborn

This is the first baby I've had with kids in school. Boy does that change the pace of our days! As I looked at these pictures again, I was overwhelmed with the peacefulness of those first moments I had with him. I was so curious who this new little man in my life was and hoping my efforts to be his mother would be enough. I miss that peace most moments of my day.

Quiet moments like these are what I dreamt of as a young girl holding my younger siblings as babies. They liked me but I wasn't quite mom to them. I absolutely love these moments I get holding my babies. The intoxicating new baby smell. My newborn nestled against me completely passed out in a milk coma. Ahhh, it's heavenly!

Jake's schedule is pretty predictable -- sleep, eat, baby bjorn time -- no matter where we are (home, practice, errands, church, the park). I've got a lot to get done each day and not enough time, so after feeding Jake, we get some face time where I make all sorts of faces and talk baby babble to coax smiles from him. HURRAY! I work hard for these first smiles because it's so affirming in my sleep-deprived, busy day! It's like the daily thank you I get for all my efforts and lately I crave it!

So after Operation Smile, it's into the Baby Bjorn so I can do chores until he zonks out and I can put him in bed. It's quite hilarious to see his eyes start to roll back in his head while carried around trying to hold his heavy noggin up!

Easton's gotten really good at holding and pacifying Jake in my times of need. On Sunday mornings, Ryan has early meetings before church so I have to get me and the four kids out the door by 8:30. It's been rare that I have both my hair AND makeup done on the same Sunday since I almost always did my makeup while Ryan would drive us to church. This last Sunday, however, Easton held Jake those last crazy fifteen minutes of getting ready and got Jake to pass out. I was so happy and proud of him I told him he was my lifesaver. He sure liked that! My makeup still didn't happen, but I'm getting used to it.

Ryan's still trying to sneak in time with Jake in the evenings. It's not easy when the other three kiddos are dying for his undivided attention and I want help. I'll often ask Ryan if he'd rather hold Jake or do dishes after dinner. He picks Jake every time but Jake's ready for his walkin' time after being fed which means Ryan doesn't get to just sit and hold him. At some point he's gotta be up walking or Jake's hollering. Ryan's picking up on this and often circles by the kitchen to check my progress. Subtle hint? Not necessarily Ryan's ideal bonding experience after a long day at work.

My payoff the last few evenings was that Jake hasn't needed me to walk him after his feeding, but has zonked out snuggled up under my chin held close. Oh how I love that soft fuzzy head of his and the smell. Oh that smell! But the tradeoff is that the dishes haven't gotten done and therefore slapped me in the face in the morning. There's hardly anything as defeating to wake up to as a dirty kitchen. Why'd my mom have to go home?! WAAAAAH!

Last week I had a stroke of genius for my sanity -- introducing the bottle on evenings when I need to clone myself. Perhaps that seems like a no-brainer, but to invest so much time in getting nursing established and believing mom's milk is best, it's a big deal to me.

Now Ryan or Easton can feed Jake either his meal or top off his tank while I attend to making dinner, cleaning up dinner, or supervising homework, baths, teethbrushing or whatnot. Ahh, it's done me a world of good! My ego isn't too puffed up cuz my genius-ness is very fleeting. A certain 5 yr old who colored all over his bedroom wood floor and his almost 3-yr-old sister keep me humble hour by hour!

Two weeks ago I wrote . . .

This past year, Ryan's been pulled into the sphere of disaster relief utilizing social media technologies -- open mapping systems, text messaging and such that were first used on a grand scale after Haiti's big earthquake to get relief where it was needed. He got to attend a number of meetings this past week on the subject and came home with the following declaration:

"My career right now could go either way -- supporting disaster relief or war efforts. In the Last Days, that's job security!"

I teased him that since our food storage isn't up to snuff yet, he'd better make himself essential so that we'll be essential people to feed when things got dicey!

As our new life as a family of 6 and being back on the school schedule has begun to really sink in, Ryan and I have both come to the conclusion that parenting these 4 little people is really hard work! The evening routine really works us over every night and it's amazing how nice it is to have a partner in this adventure, . . . unless one or both partners are grouchy and impatient. Good thing that never ever happens around here! Phew! So in no particular order, a more/less list has been running through my head. Wanna hear?

More kids = more messes, more fighting, more tattling, more laundry, more teeth to brush, more diapers to change, less hands than are needed, more back seat drivers with differing climate and listening preferences, less sleep, less free time, more gratitude for the oldest child when he's a great helper, more lunches to make, more awe at how beautiful their smiling faces are, more baths and showers to manage, more people with dinner opinions, more of your favorite cereal being eaten or smashed into the couch and rug before you wake up, more melt downs, more chauffeuring to practices and appointments, more dishes, more trash to be hauled away, more giggles on the trampoline and tricks to watch, more "I Love You"s after prayers, more "I'm hungry, what can I eat?" nagging, more Sunday clothes to iron, more missing shoes to find, more snacks to pack for every outing, less patience than is needed, more humility and sacrifice is required. Luckily, I've got one big cute boy to share the journey with!

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September 27

And that cute boy had a birthday this past weekend! I'm pretty happy with the gifts I thought up this time around. Ryan enjoys playing tennis with a coworker or two on his lunch break but has never had lessons. The boys have been taking tennis lessons this summer so I asked Ryan if he'd be interested in lessons through the winter with their instructor.

Ryan came home from his first lesson walking on air last Friday! He was really pleased with the techniques and corrections he'd been taught. His other birthday gifts included a dutch oven, a 220v white noise sleep machine, and some sports pants to match his soccer coaching jersey. I got a sitter for ALL four of the kids and we went out to dinner at our new favorite German restaurant. Alone! We had a lot of fun chatting and just being out again!

On his actual birthday we made his favorite rucola ravioli dinner (I've done better versions) and a big chocolate cake. While this isn't the best picture, it's got all my favorite people in it! I'd say 37 never looked so good!

School's in, Fun's over!

When I laid out what needed to happen tonight, Easton melted down. Clean up dinner?! Shower?! AND do homework?! The waterworks began.

He is in full-blown mourning for summer! Then he wailed that he wanted to move back to Virginia. Ryan and I tried to keep our chuckling to a minimum, but we lost it when he finally said what was really bothering him - he wanted to go to a place where he didn't have to go to school or do anything he didn't want to! {Virginia seems to epitomize that to him - he was 4 when we moved here.} He's actually having a great time at school and having McKay there just adds to the fun -- it's just that his days are no longer his own. Being cut off from electronics practically overnight has also been harsh on him - no time for cartoons, movies, and video games that were my safety net this summer while nesting and then being in that hazy newborn sleep deprived state.

I'm feeling the same angst though. My days are not my own to do with as I really please. Ryan had a rough day at work and as we swapped woes, I told him that although I've got great job security, most of the time I don't want the job. I nurse 1-2 hours of every three while getting antsy about the stuff needing doing around the house. When I get a chance to tackle the chores, I get frustrated that I'm living in the movie Groundhog's Day, picking up the same messes over and over. I get to be the meany enforcing rules, schedules, chores, and eating of healthy food before treats are considered. My life is good. Real good.

A friend called to check on me last week and it was just the sort of upbeat chat I needed. She's the mother of 9 children and with the beginning of school, our hearts and minds were in the same place. Each afternoon/evening we and our kids were losing it! Contention reigned at home and us moms were wracking our wee brains and pleading for divine intervention!

We both had lost our tempers with our toddler daughters that week. The kind where it's a wake up call. We began swapping impressions of what we thought might help and it was so great to have come up with many of the same things! It simply boiled down to elements that require a daily plan with big picture goals and not so much the fly-by-my-seat survival mode I'm in.

For both of us, calming instrumental and classical music was on our list. Finding a moment to give each child some one-on-one time or to play together. More regular scripture study was in there - it centers me and helps me keep my big picture goals on the horizon even though the high wears off too quickly and my heart is "pricked" all the faster when I falter. Having a solid meal plan with our week's schedule in mind and an evening schedule for everyone to see might help. My friend and I could feel the adversary pulling at us, helping us find fault with others, encouraging our impatience, and feeling too worn out to put forth effort for the things that matter most: making home a haven from the world, teaching our kids the gospel and the value of work and contributing to the family and home. I was soooo striking out on almost all those fronts daily!

Ryan suggested that we might need a sticker/reward chart of some sort to help the boys track their level of helpfulness in deed and attitude. The video games were taken away a couple weeks ago and that hasn't seemed to remedy anything. McKay is totally in chart check-off mode right now with the Primary scripture reading chart and it feeds his competitive nature. He's sure to remind us each day and keep us on it.

On another note, my dad emailed each of us kids his conversion story yesterday - 8 pages! It's so awesome!!! I used part of it for our Family Home Evening lesson last night. Essentially, after a few years of dipping his toe in to see what the Mormon faith was because of a certain blonde beauty, he finally dove into the Bible and Book Of Mormon and began to gain a testimony of Jesus Christ and then the truthfulness of the restored gospel. He experimented with the principles he was learning - prayer, the Word of Wisdom, not swearing. To accept the gospel and be baptized was no small feat, considering he hadn't been raised in any faith and first had to determine if there really was a God. But once he gained a testimony, he took the next step toward baptism. A year later, he and my mom were sealed in the Cardston Alberta Canada temple - married for time and all eternity.

Brooks' wedding, August 2008

Almost 37 years later, they've raised ten children and sacrificed much of themselves to help us understand and live what we believe. My testimony was first rooted in years of observation of people like my parents who earnestly strived to live the gospel -- "By their fruits ye shall know them.” (Matt. 7:20.). Then I too began to love the scriptures and understand that Heavenly Father has a plan of happiness for us. That families are eternal and that . . .

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Raising kids ain't for the faint of heart! It's hard work! I never imagined my days so full that I'd lack time to sit down and just "be", have such disjointed conversations, forget to eat so regularly, lose my temper so fast with someone I love so much, or that it'd be so difficult to use the bathroom without intruders or being needed.

Big picture - life is good and I am blessed. Big picture goals - sometimes brutally hard but totally worth it. The school year has begun, but I'm finding my homework much more demanding and important than I ever imagined!

A decade later

Ten years ago today I felt great fear for the future. The chaos of the Pentagon metro station and parking lot was set against dark black smoke billowing from the opposite side of our nation's military nerve center. And then I watched the Twin Towers fall in a nearby apartment building lobby with strangers while military clad leaders used the elevators to scope out the damages from the roof. My roommate and I were glued to news coverage the rest of the day once I was able to get home many hours later.

Ten years have now passed. I now live in Germany. I am married to a kind, funny, smart hardworking man that I love. I am the mother of four beautiful children. I know my Heavenly Father and Savior love me and have a plan for my happiness.

As I sat in Sacrament meeting this morning, Ryan and I exchanged adoring grins as Easton held Jake in a cozy snuggle, brushing his chin and cheek against Jake's soft head.

This life is such a gift. In that moment I was so grateful I've had these ten years.

I needed to be reminded of that today. Attempting to balance sleep deprivation, mothering, housework, meals, dental issues, social retardation and life in general have had me in serious survival mode. It hasn't been pretty much of the time.

Tonight we got out my copy of the September 12, 2001 Washington Post. We talked with the boys about what happened. It seemed like something out of a movie to them. Bad guys and good guys. It's just that simple, right?

Then we did our family scripture reading. The boys checked it off on their charts, mindful they're one day closer to that gigantic Rittersport chocolate bar prize in Primary. We did our eeny-meeny-miney-moe routine to choose who says family prayer and McKay got it. It was followed by personal prayers, I love yous, and the kids climbing on Ryan's back to be dumped either on the couch or bed while I was nursing Jake.

This is my life today ten years later. Beautiful moments. Unbelievably hard moments. They all pass and are often forgotten. Today I remember and am grateful for the treasures I have been given.

August 31, 2011 - A big day!

Me and Ryan's 9th wedding anniversary.

First day of school for the boys.

Mom's last day as my extra set of hands.