Journaled this Dec 21st

I have half a dozen posts waiting to be finished. It's pretty indicative of my life right now. A lot going on and nothing ever getting my full attention or being finished. I'd like to finish posts about a few more Christmas markets we enjoyed, the kids' latest antics, dental adventures, things that I've read/seen/heard that have inspired me, Christmas preparations, our first good snow, Easton's 8th birthday and more. But today I just want to document my overwhelmed-ed-ness that is my life and how grateful I am for Heavenly Father answering my tearful prayers for perspective. Here's a little bit of the backstory:

Our kitchen sink won't drain which means we also can't use the dishwasher - since Saturday, but I'm now regretting anything eaten off of dishes since Wednesday. We've hit it with Drano, a plunger, the yard hose, a 5 and 10 meter (30 feet) snake thingy all to no avail. Ryan's given it everything he's got and I love him for it!!! And get this, the pipes were just given a professional cleaning 3 weeks ago after we had a major leak addressed. Don't worry though - the plumber said he can come NEXT Tuesday which is better than the one who said he might be able to make me an appointment in the first week of January. Great. So tomorrow I officially move a table into the bathroom so I can wash the accumulation of dishes, pots and pans. It ain't pretty! This is all great timing with the kids now home for Christmas break and all the cooking, baking, and eating we were looking forward to this weekend.

The van. We just got snow tires and fixed one of our sliding van doors only to have the other sliding door give out four days later. It's caused an uncomfortable fit of rearranging seats and a boat load of patience to load and unload the kids many times a day. The van's also in desperate need of an oil change but I can't seem to get it to the shop on the days and times where they can have it done in a reasonable amount of time for my schedule. The front headlight is out but the plumbing disaster has taken main stage even though I may have gotten a traffic flasher ticket for it. Or the ticket was for going 70km/hr in a 50km/hr speed trap strip of road. Twice. Grrr.

I walked around with a wet cold foot all day today because my only pair of boots apparently has a hole in them. And so do my favorite house slippers I also discovered today.

I can't seem to find time to eat or figure out what to eat when given a moment to remember a meal time has come and gone. We haven't had an overabundance of activities, just a steady stream of regular errands that need to be run but I can't seem to stay on top of them, the house work, the meals, and all the other things a wife and mother juggles.

I started Morgan in German kindergarten two weeks ago with mixed results and a lot more time than I ever bargained for in the drop-off attempts. It's had me examining my motives, parenting skills, her needs . . . when I have time for actual thoughts of course.

Last night as Ryan could see my frustration over the plumbing and other things tipping me toward the breaking point, he asked if he should send me to a hotel. Poor guy, I think I snapped back at him about what good would it do? The tasks still had to be done and I'd have to leave that lovely place to get home before he left for work because he can't take the day off right now.

As I sat in Morgan's room folding a mountain of laundry tonight I let the tears just come. And I prayed for my Heavenly Father to comfort me, to help me see the true sources of my anxieties and be able to communicate my feelings and articulate my needs to Ryan. In Ryan's attempts to help me find solutions, I always get defensive because there's nothing like having your weaknesses pointed out and always so visible all the time!

So my life is really busy right now. Who's isn't? So there's been some big bumps lately. It happens. I was reminded of how exhausted Ryan was the three days I was in the hospital after having Jake. He'd arrive with the kids all disheveled and amazed at what it took to get everyone out the door and where they needed to go. Never mind the chores, there wasn't time to do them so it waited until I got home and we all tackled them together. Ryan saw that he simply didn't have time with all the running around and taking care of all of us. So we chatted about that reality briefly so he'd remember how it felt to be in my shoes. I'm always having to remind myself of what Ryan's day at work must be like so that I don't overdo my expectations of him. It's a daily challenge for me.

So it's almost 1am and I'm falling asleep as I type. I can expect Jake to wake up twice between now and 7am when it all starts again so that gives me a chance to get more sleep tonight than I got last night.

Sindelfingen Christmas Market

Easton and McKay participated in their school's Sindelfingen Christmas market performance. It was a fun place to meet up with their friends and pretty cute to see them singing traditional Christmas carols in English and German. This is actually a great local market each year with great food and a good variety of booths.

Easton was in the far back left so we couldn't see him at all. McKay's class was front and center and he sang his heart out. After the performance, Ryan went off with some work friends while the rest of us headed for the fire pits to roast bread on a stick and enjoy some kinder punch.

Somehow I ended up with 7 kids to supervise at the fire pits and everyone was starving - including Jake in the stroller. I gotta laugh at the smile on my face cuz that's not really how I felt on the inside. You know the feeling -- you put on a happy face trying to help the kids enjoy an experience when you'd give your left arm at the very least to be home alone reading a book in your pjs nice and warm. Once everyone got their bread on a stick over the fire, it was crazy keeping them safe! Fire, sticks, children = bad combo but they were happy!

Finally, I was able to corral my own bunch into the school's tent where I could feed Jake and then we were off to go find Ryan. He'd found some great eats as always! Roasted potato wedges with some sort of yummy dip and then some cheese toast. The cheese toast was awesome! They had a huge wedge of cheese that they'd put under a broiler to melt just the top. Then they'd scrape off that melted top, put it on a fresh piece of German bread and slather on a bit of jam. Heaven in my mouth, I say! I would have loved to eat another slice but Morgan announced she had to go potty so we had to run back to the van for a date with our port-a-potty.

Next up that evening: Getting the Christmas tree from our favorite lot!

My 12 Days of Christmas

Growing up, my family sometimes did a Secret Santa 12 Days of Christmas to another family. I've had the itch to do it every year but this year was it. I was going to do it to my two visiting teaching families. I collected my ideas and made a plan -- I even had all the daily poems written with fallback ideas ahead of time! Ryan was a bit skeptical about fitting nightly outings into our bustling evenings so I found my happy medium even though it goes against the grain -- I grouped our deliveries into three nights plus the final reveal. Simple enough right? Well, they weren't next door and we had to drive 10 minutes to one family and then another 10 minutes to the other. It was partly this distance that killed me in the end.

Anyhow . . . We made the first bundle drop with the first "four days" of gifts. One of the recipients posted on Facebook two days later that she'd just discovered the gifts on their doorstep. She thought we'd been coming for four days already and hoped that we hadn't been discouraged. Their actual door is around the back of their house while the front of their house is lined with 8 bays of french window doors that they typically use. But there's no doorbell in front to ding dong ditch so we used the door that did, only it must not have rung when we rang and ran! Oops! But it sure was fun running like heck with my boys' in nervous fits of giggles!

The second bundle went off without a hitch. I wish I'd included my kids in preparing the gifts but I just kept telling myself I was teaching myself first and next year I can work on that aspect. One thing at a time! Wrapping the gifts gave me grief because finding materials here has not been easy and I simply haven't found a good system of storing an ounce of anything else in our small apartment. But I was feeling good about doing something special for these ladies and their families.

Then Saturday before Christmas our kitchen sink drain began to be really slow. By Sunday it was painfully slow. By Monday it stopped draining completely. Tuesday we got a good snow fall. It was Easton's 8th birthday and we changed our birthday plan at the last minute to allow the kids and Easton's guest to play in the snow, have cake and presents at the house rather than go to Sensapolis. Suddenly I had to feed my crew rather than being fed at the birthday destination. It all went well in the end, but with the kitchen drain not functioning things were starting to pile up. While the kids were in the snow, Ryan and I were using a 5 meter snake down the drain since Drano and checking the pipes under the sink hadn't worked. The third bundled gift drop was supposed to be the next day.

It never happened. The kids had a Christmas market at school in the afternoon and we had tennis lessons, dinner, bedtime and another attempt at the drain. There's always tomorrow right?

Thursday the kids were out of school, McKay was coming down with the flu and I was losing my mind as the stack of dishes and what we wanted to do for Christmas weekend was overwhelming me. We just kept thinking we'd find a solution on our own. By now I'm desperate and put out a Facebook plea for help to take Morgan and Easton off my hands for the afternoon. I was rescued, but the 15 meter snake did nothing for the drain issue. The handful of plumbers I'd called didn't have availability until JANUARY 9th! By now I've given up on getting the batch of gifts out. I was shutting down.

Friday was more of the same although our German neighbor was able to help us find an emergency plumber. Turns out the 5 meter pipe cleaning we'd had done a few weeks prior didn't go far enough. The plumbers cleaned down 20 meters (65 feet) into our building's pipes in order to get us a functioning drain but said they'd have to come back after the holidays to go further. We had been getting the backup water, no one else in the building was so blessed. So by Friday afternoon, I had a functioning kitchen again! Just in time for Christmas Eve. PHEW!

My plan was to bake and deliver our favorite cinnamon rolls and apologize for dropping the ball on our 12 Days of Christmas. Who would complain about cinnamon rolls?! We had a nice quiet day at home other than that I was baking all day. McKay and Morgan were under the weather. As I finished up and had everything wrapped, I called the two families to see that they were home and only caught one of them home. We bundled everyone up, delivered to two of our neighbors and then a family arrived to carol us! Then it was suddenly 7pm and the kids were falling apart. We needed to act out the Nativity and send them to bed. I shelved my outing in favor of preserving my family's Christmas Eve. And then I got hit with the flu just hours later.

Distance. Wrapping. Life. Those three foiled my perfect plan. As I confessed to my visiting teachees weeks later, they totally understood. I wish I'd been able to finish with a flourish, but it would have been at too a high cost to my family. My original purpose was met - I wanted to serve these two great families and show them I care and they felt special.

I know this is long, but I have to include these other snippets I wrote the same week I started the 12 Days of Christmas. If I don't include it here it will get posted in January all out of place and that will drive me crazy. Recently a friend posted little snippets of her mother's journal. Her mother died of breast cancer young and this friend has entered motherhood without her mentor but the journal entries help her feel connected to her. Breaks my heart! But it makes this journaling all the more important to me.

On Wednesday night my visiting teachers brought a plate of baked goodies. I am ashamed to admit that I ate 90% of it by 3pm Thursday afternoon. Best sugar cookies (hello coconut extract!) and chocolate caramel oat cookie layer bars I have EVER tasted! I needed to bake cookies for the Relief Socity meeting cookie exchange this evening but due to my sugar overload, I felt good about simplifying my afternoon/evening by not baking. Should I bother going to the meeting if I wasn’t participating in the exchange? Hmmm. Instead, I took the chance to make extra chicken noodle soup and have my kids help me take it to a couple sick neighbors' homes. And then we sat on the couch all snuggled together trying out some new free math and science apps on the iPad that my homeschooling friend told me about. I really enjoyed my time with them before heading to the RS activity. I was reminded that this is the season of my life where it's all about these little ones. Man, that's hard to remember!

. . .

I've just returned from our ward's simple but fabulous Relief Society Christmas meeting. I've been in wards where it's a complete extravaganza of the senses - the food, the table settings, the music and program, just beautiful all around. This ward's monthly meetings are more low key yet no less deliberate in their goal to edify the sisters who attend. I love it all and always feel I've missed out if I haven't made the effort to get out the door. This time they had a nice simple message that touched me followed by a great assortment of pound cakes shared by the sisters. And of course the cookie exchange for those that wanted to participate. I'm so glad I didn't let that keep me from going anyway. I tried my first cake pop tonight and now understand the craze! Yum! And another friend made a flan cake - half flan, half cake in a bundt pan drenched in caramel. Serious YUM and purdy to boot! I don't even like flan much, but this was amazing! I got to chat with some of the sisters I don’t usually get to and I always love that.

. . .

The other night I had left our apartment door open in the echo-y shared stairwell to run some things down to our storage room. I'm always nervous to leave our door open because of our noisy little people. But as I came back up the stairs, what I heard touched me and it was like a light bulb going on. I heard my family but wasn't with my family. Easton was at the table counting out his multiplication tables. McKay and Morgan were using the couch as a trampoline. And Ryan was trying to juggle conversations with all three from his digs in his Man Chair. There wasn't any screaming, it was just my busy little family doing their thing. And I wanted to be back in there with them. I actually wanted to enter that world that had me running this way and that 24/7 because I love them all so much!

. . .

I finally got Morgan started in German kindergarten last week so now we are leaving the house by 9 each morning. And while she's adjusting, I never know how long the drop-off will take and therefore how presentable I need to be. The first few days she loved it but now that the newness is starting to wear off, she's worn out after two hours. No one in her class speaks English, although one 4 yr old girl can but doesn’t want to. It's stretching me to use what little German I've acquired to communicate with the teachers who barely understand any English. It’s rough. In all, I'm just excited for Morgan to have this opportunity and feel it's worth the sacrifice to put myself out there and get out the door each morning.

. . .

Just this morning, I had to load up Morgan and Jake for a dental appointment for Morgan. I was running on time and pretty happy about that - I'd even showered and had done my hair and even had makeup on today by 8:30! But the van was dead and I had to call my busy neighbor over to give me a jump. Yesterday, I got winter tires on the van (600 euro) only to find that one of the sliding doors refused to open. We just fixed the other side door last Friday for 200 euro. Does it ever end?!

Those days of December were rough but in the midst of it I felt guided. There seemed to be a purpose and lesson for me in it all. It was all about that dreaded "getting out the door" which let's be honest, can be so overwhelming especially in December! But as I got out the door I was thinking about why. Was the effort worth it? Turns out it was, but it was never pretty and perfect.The themes and filters I viewed it through was to make time to serve others, to take time to re-center myself, and to stretch myself.

Christmas Markets: Augsburg & Ulm

Before we left the cousins' house, Lizzie had to get in some more baby time after letting me braid her thick pretty hair. I love Lizzie in braids and hope Morgan will let me keep braiding hers as she gets older. Lizzie just couldn't get enough of Jake this weekend and took every chance she could to play with him or hold him. So sweet!

We made a couple stops on the way home from Munich to see more Christmas markets. After all the yummy foods at the Munich Christmas market, the kids were pretty excited to try some more.

- Augsburg Christmas Market -

This is a cute smaller market with lots of great food! We didn't get to browse the options very long because the kids were hungry and impatient. They wanted hot chocolate and donuts as soon as they saw them. Ryan and I tried this dumpling in a vanilla sauce sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar. Yum!

I got a kick out of seeing all these cute faces lost behind a mug. Good stuff!

Morgan and McKay were dying for a hotdog so we got a couple different kinds to share. While we ate and roamed, an Alp horn ensemble decked out in their winter garb started their show. Some pretty young ladies dressed as angels posed for a photo op while representing Augsburg's famous angel performers. Each weekend evening, these angels put on a musical performance from the windows of the buildings that ring the town square.

- ULM Christmas Market -

The Ulm Minster, the tallest church tower in the world, is the backdrop for this festive market.

The kids loved the merry-go-rounds and we're suckers for those happy grins!

Any guesses what sweet treat they can't take their expectant eyes off?

Cotton candy bigger than their head! Have you ever stood in a line or que in Germany? It's an experience! You have to be assertive and vigilant or you'll never make it to the front of the line. It was a tad exhausting keeping the boys moving forward and giving a stern look to those who would take advantage of my little men. But ah, the sweet reward in the end!

Ulm has these life size nativities with live animals which the kids loved.

Apparently famous, the Steiff teddy bear factory is not far from Ulm and it was Morgan's favorite display. She would have watched the robotic stuffed toys forever! Perhaps you can see my three in the center window?

Jake was a trooper the full day. As long as he got to eat before we got on the road each time, he was good! Ryan and I were just happy to have spent some fun time with the kids enjoying the best time of the year.